Imagine ... you're 22, fresh out of university, and ready to conquer the world. The excitement of what lies ahead fills you with ambition, yet as you scroll through social media, you can’t help but notice the couples around your age who seem to have life figured out. Picture-perfect relationships, coordinating outfits, endless snapshots of bliss—it’s hard not to wonder, When will it be my turn?
The idea of finding a partner who will walk alongside you is enticing, but the reality is far more complex than the curated images on Instagram. Beneath the surface are mismatched expectations, emotional turbulence, and lessons learned the hard way. Relationships aren’t just about finding someone to fill your Friday nights. They’re about choosing a partner who will profoundly influence your journey.
So, how do you know if someone’s the right fit? It’s all about looking beyond surface-level attraction and observing their values, habits, and behaviours. Here’s how to sift through the noise and truly get to know someone.
First and foremost, it's important to recognise that there is no such thing as a "perfect" partner or a "perfect" relationship. Every person and every dynamic is unique, with its own set of strengths, challenges and quirks. The key is to find someone who complements you, who brings out the best in you, and who is willing to grow and evolve alongside you.
One of the most crucial things to look for is mutual respect. A partner who truly values and appreciates you will see you as an equal, not an object to be possessed or controlled. They will listen to your thoughts and feelings, support your dreams and ambitions, and never try to diminish or undermine you.
Pay Attention to How They Treat Others
The way someone interacts with the world around them says a lot about who they are. Observe how they treat strangers when you’re out together—it can be incredibly telling about their character. For example, watch how they interact with waitstaff at a restaurant. Are they polite and patient, or do they snap and get rude if the food takes a bit longer than expected or if the wrong dish is served? The way someone handles these small inconveniences speaks volumes about their empathy and temperament.
Similarly, notice how they behave with retail staff, like cashiers or shop assistants—are they respectful, or do they act entitled and dismissive? Another good scenario is how they respond to someone asking for help, like holding a door or assisting someone who’s dropped something. Do they step in without hesitation or ignore it altogether? These moments may seem minor, but they can give you valuable insight into how kind and considerate they truly are.
Also pay attention to how they treat the important people in their life, such as their parents or siblings. Do they show genuine kindness and respect, or do they exhibit signs of impatience, disregard or even cruelty? How a person treats their family can often be a window into their core values and character.
Similarly, observe how they interact with animals. Do they have a gentle, compassionate approach, or do they seem indifferent or even callous? The way someone treats vulnerable creatures can be a telling indicator of their level of empathy and their capacity for nurturing.
Check Their Social Media Presence
Social media can be a goldmine of insight into someone’s personality and values. Take note of how they communicate online. Are their posts respectful, thoughtful, and aligned with your values? Or do they come across as rude, racist, sexist, or otherwise inappropriate? What kind of photos and videos do they share?
For example, do they post overly aggressive or divisive opinions, or do they celebrate their life’s joys in a healthy way? If something makes you uncomfortable, don’t dismiss it. These are often early indicators of attitudes and behaviours that could later create conflict. If their posts are consistently about belittling others, making crude jokes, or showcasing a life that clashes with your values, that’s something worth considering. It's always better to trust your instincts and take a closer look than to regret it later.
Flattery vs. Genuine Compliments
There’s a difference between someone who flatters you and someone who offers genuine compliments. Flattery tends to focus on shallow, external factors—your looks, your possessions, or your status—and is often driven by ulterior motives. Compliments, on the other hand, are sincere and appreciate who you are as a person: your talents, your growth, and your values.
Here are some examples that show the difference:
Wealth/Status
- Flattery: “Wow, you’re so lucky to drive such an expensive car—you must be loaded!”
- Compliment: “I admire how hard you’ve worked to achieve your goals. It’s inspiring to see what you’ve accomplished.”
Physical Appearance
- Flattery: “You’re so attractive, no wonder everyone likes you!”
- Compliment: “Your smile lights up the room, and you have such a warm and welcoming presence.”
Talents and Personal Growth
- Flattery: “You’re such a genius, I could never do what you do!” (said without context or depth)
- Compliment: “Your ability to solve problems with creativity and focus is really impressive—I always learn something when I’m around you.”
Flattery may feel good in the moment, but it often lacks substance. Compliments, on the other hand, show a deeper understanding and appreciation of who you are.
Observe Their Living Habits
If you want to truly know someone, spend time in their environment. Holidays together can reveal a lot—how they handle stress, whether they’re considerate, and their general attitude in shared situations. Do they lose their temper easily over minor inconveniences, or do they approach challenges with patience? Are they respectful of your time and needs during the trip, or do they insist on things always going their way?
But if you really want to know what they’re like, living with them for a bit is the real eye-opener. Do they take responsibility for their space, or do they leave everything for you to handle? How do they manage their day-to-day responsibilities? For instance, are they proactive about bills and cleaning, or do they procrastinate endlessly? The small details—like how they handle shared tasks, their level of organisation, and how they treat your belongings—can either strengthen your bond or highlight potential dealbreakers.
Red Flags: Passive-Aggression and Manipulation
Healthy relationships are built on open communication, not avoidance or manipulation. Be wary of behaviours like:
Avoiding or Sweeping Conflicts Under the Rug
- Silent Treatment: They stop talking to you or respond with curt, one-word answers instead of addressing the issue at hand.
- Feigning Forgetfulness: They "forget" plans, agreements, or conversations about resolving an issue.
- Deflecting Responsibility: They change the subject, joke, or claim you’re overreacting whenever you bring up concerns.
Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
- Backhanded Compliments: “I’m surprised you actually handled that well for once!”
- Procrastination: Deliberately delaying actions, like not replying to your texts or postponing plans, as a subtle way to express anger or discontent.
- Sabotaging Efforts: Doing a task poorly or “accidentally” messing it up, knowing it will inconvenience you.
Manipulation
- Guilt-Tripping: Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
- Playing the Victim: They portray themselves as the one who is always wronged, no matter the context, to avoid accountability.
- Gaslighting: Denying something happened or making you doubt your feelings, like, “You’re just imagining things” or “I never said that.”
These behaviours may seem subtle at first, but they can erode trust and create toxic dynamics over time. Healthy relationships require honest conversations, not power games.
The Importance of Patience and Respect in Intimacy
When it comes to getting more intimate in a relationship, it's crucial that your partner respects your timeline. Never let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for. Intimacy is a deeply personal experience, and it should happen when you feel comfortable and confident—not when someone else pushes you to move faster than you’re ready.
If a person truly cares about you and respects you, they will be patient and understanding when it comes to intimacy. If they can't wait for you to be ready, it's a clear sign that they are more focused on their own desires than on your comfort and emotional well-being. A person who truly respects you will honour your boundaries and never rush you into anything. If they pressure you, it shows a lack of respect and a disregard for your feelings, and they are not the right person for you. You deserve a partner who values your pace and treats your boundaries with the utmost respect.
Investments vs. Displays of Wealth
There’s a clear distinction between a partner who spends money on you and one who invests in you. Extravagant gifts may feel impressive, but they’re often more about the giver’s ego than your wellbeing. A partner who genuinely cares will support your dreams, encourage your ambitions, and value your growth—not just try to dazzle you with material things.
Build a Strong Foundation
The best relationships start with a foundation of mutual respect, understanding, and friendship. Take time to ask meaningful questions—how do they resolve conflict? What are their values? How do they view their family relationships? The answers will help you understand whether their priorities align with yours.
Above all, remember that the right partner will complement your life, not complete it. Focus on building a life you’re proud of—pursue your passions, nurture friendships, and grow as an individual. This will not only make you a more confident partner but also ensure you don’t become overly dependent on a relationship for your sense of fulfilment.
If you know someone who might find this helpful, don’t keep it to yourself—please share it.
You never know how much of a difference it could make in someone’s life.
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