Imagine ... you’re chatting with a friend over coffee, and the topic of relationships comes up. Maybe it’s because someone’s going through a rough patch, or you’ve heard a worrying story about a couple you know. Relationships can be wonderful, yes, but let’s not sugar-coat it: sometimes, they can also be dangerous.
I’m talking about toxic relationships—the kind that can slowly drain your joy, mess with your mental health, or even put you in harm's way. You might think, “Oh, I’d never let myself get into one of those,” but here’s the truth: toxic relationships aren’t always obvious at first. They can sneak up on you like fog—slow, almost invisible, until one day you’re completely surrounded.
So how do you spot the warning signs, the red flags, before it’s too late? And more importantly, what can you do about it?
Red Flag #1: Controlling Behaviour
Does your partner seem to have a say in everything you do? At first, it might feel flattering—maybe they say they just want to “protect you” or “keep you safe.” But pay attention. Are they constantly checking your phone, deciding who you can or can’t talk to, or making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family? That’s not love; that’s control.
Healthy relationships thrive on trust and freedom, not restrictions. If you notice this happening, don’t brush it off. It’s a serious warning sign.
Red Flag #2: Jealousy That Feels Over the Top
A little jealousy can be normal—we’re human, after all—but when it becomes a daily drama, it’s a problem. If your partner accuses you of cheating every time you look in someone else’s direction or demands constant reassurance, it’s exhausting. Worse, it can escalate into them isolating you from others to “keep you close.”
Red Flag #3: Emotional Manipulation
Let me ask you this: do you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner? Maybe they blow up over the smallest things and then act like you’re the one being unreasonable. Or they turn every argument into a guilt trip, leaving you apologising even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
This is manipulation, plain and simple. It’s their way of keeping power in the relationship. And it’s not okay.
Red Flag #4: A Lack of Respect
Does your partner belittle you, whether in private or (even worse) in front of others? It might be subtle—“Why are you wearing that? It’s a bit much, don’t you think?”—or outright cruel. They might also ignore your boundaries or dismiss your feelings when you try to share them. A lack of respect chips away at your confidence over time, leaving you doubting yourself.
Red Flag #5: Physical or Verbal Abuse
This is a no-brainer, right? But let’s be clear: abuse isn’t always physical. Shouting, name-calling, or using threats to intimidate you is verbal abuse, and it’s every bit as damaging. If they ever push, slap, or physically harm you—even once—that’s not just a red flag; it’s a giant stop sign. Leave. Now.
And don’t let anyone tell you, “Oh, they were just having a bad day.” Everyone has bad days, but most people don’t take it out on their loved ones.
Red Flag #6: They Make You Feel Small
Do you often feel insignificant or less important in the relationship? A toxic partner may dismiss your achievements or interests to make themselves feel superior. They might say things like, “That’s not a big deal,” or “Anyone could do that.” This constant downplaying of your value can crush your self-esteem over time.
A healthy relationship should make you feel like your voice matters, not like you’re in someone’s shadow.
Red Flag #7: Unpredictable Mood Swings
Does your partner flip between loving and hostile at the drop of a hat? One moment they’re showering you with affection, and the next, they’re distant or furious over something trivial. This rollercoaster of emotions can leave you feeling confused and off-balance. You might even start blaming yourself for their mood swings, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.
Red Flag #8: They Play the Victim
Does your partner always find a way to make themselves the victim in every situation? Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, they might twist the narrative to make you feel sorry for them. They could say things like, “I only acted like that because you upset me,” or “You don’t know what I’m going through.” This behaviour keeps the focus on them and stops you from addressing their toxic actions.
Red Flag #9: They Pressure You Into Things
Do you feel like you can’t say no to your partner? Whether it’s about sex, money, or even life decisions, a toxic partner may pressure you into doing things you’re not comfortable with. They might use guilt, anger, or even subtle manipulation to get their way. This is a violation of your boundaries, and it’s not something you should tolerate.
Red Flag #10: They Avoid Accountability
Does your partner refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Whether it’s lying, cheating, or breaking promises, they might shrug it off with excuses or shift the blame onto you. Accountability is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Without it, issues never get resolved, and the toxic cycle continues.
Why People Stay in Toxic Relationships
You might be wondering why anyone would stay in a situation like this. Well, it’s not as simple as walking out the door. Toxic relationships often come with emotional traps. You might think:
- “But they weren’t always like this.”
- “What if I can help them change?”
- “I love them, and they love me.”
It’s easy to convince yourself things will get better. But here’s the hard truth: toxic behaviour rarely improves without serious effort—and that effort has to come from them. It’s not your job to fix anyone.
What Can Happen If You Ignore the Signs?
We’ve all read those chilling stories in the news where a toxic relationship spirals out of control. Sometimes, it ends in heartbreak, but other times, it ends in something far worse—domestic violence or even murder. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s real. Don’t think, “That could never happen to me.” Toxic relationships are unpredictable, and the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave.
What To Do If You’re in a Toxic Relationship
So, what now? If you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds a bit like my relationship,” don’t panic. Recognising the signs is the first step. Here’s what you can do next:
Talk to Someone You Trust
A friend, family member, teacher, or even a therapist. You don’t have to go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with someone can give you perspective and strength.Set Boundaries
If you feel safe to do so, tell your partner what behaviour you won’t accept. For example, “It’s not okay for you to read my messages without my permission.” But if they dismiss or ignore your boundaries, that’s a clear sign they’re not willing to change.Make a Safety Plan
If you’re worried about leaving, have a plan in place. Keep a small bag packed with essentials (ID, money, clothes) and store it somewhere safe. Know who to call and where you can go if you need to leave quickly.Reach Out to Support Services
In the UK, organisations like Women’s Aid or Refuge are fantastic resources. They provide advice, helplines, and even safe spaces to stay if you need them. If you’re a young person, Childline can also be a great first step.Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t second-guess yourself.
How to Help a Friend Who’s in a Toxic Relationship
Maybe it’s not you, but someone you care about who’s in this situation. It can be tough to watch from the sidelines, but here’s how you can help:
Listen Without Judgement
Avoid saying things like, “Why don’t you just leave?” It might seem obvious to you, but they might feel stuck or scared.Offer Practical Help
Could you be their emergency contact? Keep copies of important documents for them? Or even just be a safe place for them to talk?Encourage Them to Seek Help
Point them toward professional resources. But remember, you can’t force them to leave—they have to make that decision themselves.
Remember ...
Toxic relationships are no joke. They can rob you of your happiness, your self-esteem, and sometimes even your safety. But the good news? You’re never truly stuck. There’s always a way out, and there’s always someone willing to help you find it.
If this resonates with you—or someone you know—don’t keep it to yourself. Share this advice, talk about it, and start the conversation. After all, looking out for each other is how we build stronger, healthier relationships for everyone.
And remember: love is meant to lift you up, not weigh you down. If it feels heavy, it’s time to LET IT GO!
If you know someone who might find this helpful, don’t keep it to yourself—please share it.
You never know how much of a difference it could make in someone’s life.
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